Last week marked a great turning point in my recovery from being raped. That is, I finally stopped feeling sorry for the friend who raped me. Instead of praying for mercy for him, I pray, “Your will be done.”

I think that, by focusing on his feelings, I was running away from feeling mine. Now, I am at last allowing myself to be in touch with my own feelings about what he did to me. It’s like I am telling myself, “of course you felt that way.” Or, “it’s is alright to feel that way. Your trust was violated.”

First, I had to know that what he did was rape in order to give myself permission to feel.

It is not surprising that I focused on the perpetrator’s feelings, when that is what society does. The victim is the one who is placed on trial. “How much did you drink?” “What were you wearing?” “What did you say?”

 

I am finally beginning to experience my feelings about being raped. I thought I had dealt with it, but I guess I was still numb. And then it was mostly anger I felt.  Seeing the rape crisis counselor has helped SO much. No one, not even my therapist, gets what it’s like to be raped. Only the counselor at the rape crisis center gets it.

Since it was a friend who raped me, it is a gift from God to have a guy friend who-although he is attracted to me-is content with just being friends. I am so glad my friend Rick understands how I feel. I told him more details, and he agreed that this guy exploited my trust for the purpose of taking advantage of me. Just like the guy who raped me, Rick is living with the mother of his kids. He is safe to me for that reason. I thought the rapist was safe, too, but I learned otherwise.

I am still paranoid of running into the rapist somewhere. I can’t imagine how women in the military who were raped by their coworkers feel. I get anxiety attacks when I speak to any man who reminds me of the rapist.

For a long time, I have wondered if something is wrong with me that I was physically attracted to the guy who raped me. Then, God gave me a gift. I spoke to a police officer who reminded me of him. For some reason, although there were other cops next to him that I could have chosen to speak to about my traffic situation, I felt compelled to talk to this cop.

He reminded me in his height and physical appearnance of the rapist. Also, his militaristic manner kind of reminded me of him. But there was something different. There was some kind of calm, self-control in this cop. I Googled him to try to learn more about him, so I could learn what it was that reminded me of the rapist. I looked up the cops name on Facebook, and learned from his Facebook account that he is nothing like the guy who raped me. Instead, he is a Christian. There was no foul language on his Facebook, no mention of drinking alcohol. Also, he said nice things about his wife, and that he’s been married for over two decades.

So, that is how I realized that there was nothing wrong with me that I was attracted to the man who raped me when I first met him. I was probably attracted to him for his physical characterstics and his military manner-which are similarities with my dad.

I am not afraid to be attracted to men anymore.

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